“I was going downhill. I’d just come out of prison, and I was sort of going downhill taking drugs and alcohol again, and then someone said would you like to work at LandWorks? I goes yeah, I’ll give it a go like, see what the buzz is about … started coming here and I enjoyed it, said I wanted to stay on, and I’ve stayed on. So, they gave me extra time now.
It’s the first proper placement I’ve had and actually stuck with. All the others, I wouldn’t have cared, I would’ve just walked off and not come back.
It’s new, fresh start, you know, people are nice, you know, you can be yourself, you get on with people. I’ve been in ‘*’, have you heard of that place? That was for mental health. I couldn’t do it all the time because it felt like people were getting into my mind and tampering, you don’t get that here, everyone’s themselves, everyone can be themselves, you know. It’s actually good for your mental health…
I’ve been in trouble since I was a little kid. Being hyperactive and mentally ill, it doesn’t help, and I didn’t help myself coz I thought yeah, you know, Billy big balls and all this shit, but no, it’s wrong. I did have a conscience and stuff and then that … it’s weird.
Drugs and alcohol. That’s the reason why. At first it was experimenting, then I got hooked and then it was my way of life, and it was horrible. Cannabis and then amphetamine to calm me down coz I’m ADHD. They wouldn’t give me Ritalin. No, they only found out I was hyperactive when I was 15 and then coz I said I was on amphetamine they wouldn’t give me proper Ritalin coz they said I was a drug abuser. So, I said I might as well go to my dealers and then just get amphetamine and be normal and then they sectioned me a load of times. Yeah.
Now it’s my turn to change my life around. That’s what I want for myself and for my daughter coz I don’t want her growing-up thinking oh, look at him, he’s a low-life piece of trash and stuff. I’m thinking no, I’m nothing like that. I’m actually done with life kind of person […] I just don’t want my daughter being disgusted of me and ashamed of me coz I was a criminal. I weren’t proud to be one. I want her to have the best upbringing she can get like I did, except for when I got kicked out and that, but I did have a good upbringing by my mum. Yeah.
I’ve been in prison seven times. Mine was petty crimes … shoplifting and stuff, breaking my bail and stuff. The first time I was Fifteen. Yeah, I was in Portland, and the weirdest thing is, the last time I was in Portland was recently. Yeah, first time and the last time I’ve got it down as. That’s what I’m hoping. I’ve got things over my head at the moment that I’m trying to get rid of … fingers crossed.
I just bottle-up and just take it out on myself even more. That’s my self-harm. It’s better than cutting yourself and stuff coz I used to do that when I was 15. I looked like Freddy Krueger. I got hold of my face … yeah, with the razor, just slicing myself…
LandWorks it’s a fresh start. I get to work. I get to do new stuff coz like strimming and stuff, I never used to properly do that. I could do woodwork. I’ve done it in school, but I can do it here now if Chris lets me. I can actually fix up things. I’m doing maintenance … never done that before. Keeping everything ship-shape. It’s perfect. That’s what I love about it. It’s freedom. You can actually, you know, do what you need to do here.
I’ve been strimming, cooking. It’s therapeutic. It keeps the mind occupied and it’s good feeding everyone. The satisfaction of doing it and getting the compliment. Yeah, it is coz I’ve been around people that’s been treating me like trash, always putting me down. That’s coz we’re on drugs and that and we’re all like you’re a pile of crap, you are, mate. I’m sick of it. Having a nice compliment, it’s strange but normal.
I’m off drugs. I’m off alcohol. I can stay off it now. If I go back on it, I’m fucked, and I won’t be allowed to come back. That’s the only downside, not coming back here… so I don’t go back on it coz I don’t wanna slip up. I feel weak at the moment coz I’m coming off it and having that urge to do it. I need my strength back. Glad I’ve actually admitted to that. That’s another thing. That’s a step in the right direction to recovery, by admitting to it, and then facing it or tackling it full-on.
I can feel it as well. I don’t feel that trapped-ness and that horrible feeling that I normally have when I need a smoke or I need a bloody drink or I need some cocaine or something, you know, I don’t feel that anymore coz I’ve detoxed off it. Being at LandWorks has helped. If I weren’t ‘ere, I would probably be dead by now … an overdose or owing someone a shitload of money or just getting killed full-stop, either way. Coming here has changed my life. Happy days.”
A window into LandWorks 