“I still go back and forward. I still have days where I completely shut down, but I’m much more withheld now, like drawn back if I get into those episodes. I don’t talk to anyone, and I don’t … whereas before it was more like a cry out for help, whereas now it’s not, now it’s like kind of the opposite, like I don’t want people to know I’m struggling, and I stop talking. Like I stopped talking to my friends and I’ll lock myself in my room, like in my house, and not talk to my dad or my mum. It doesn’t last very long. My most recent one, say like was the beginning of January, I didn’t leave the house for like … I didn’t even leave my bed pretty much for two weeks straight and then missed like the first week coming back to LandWorks because I literally couldn’t leave the house. So, it’s happened recently, these depressive episodes that I have, and it’s gonna keep happening, but I’m consistently taking my medication again, which is helping a lot. They lowered my dosage for my anti-psychotics and my anti-depressants, which I … even like people around me have noticed how it has … I feel the effects of the medication without … my mum said, apparently, she said to her friend that I wasn’t me anymore, when I was on a strong dosage of anti-psychotics, that I was very zombie-like and I just wasn’t me anymore and my personality wasn’t there, and I felt that too. That’s why I stopped taking them coz I just didn’t feel like myself at all. Now, I still feel like me but I’m still feeling the effects that I’m supposed to feel from them, if you know what I mean.
I have to give a lot of the credit to the medication mostly, yeah, and I hate to admit that because I would like to say, you know, you can do it yourself, but the drugs have given me the boost to then start going to group therapy and start leaving the house and seeing my friends, and doing things that I like, you know. My friends were very worried about me, and I don’t wanna carry on … I was drinking a lot as well and I was pretty much going to bed smashed every single night, like messaging the group-chat … I love you guys … Deer, get back on your meds and get sober … but I love you guys so much … Deer, get sober and get back on your meds. It was a big push to just be like you know what, I am a bit of a mess. I was pretty much just lying in bed all day, in the dark, like binge drinking and like … because I was just on my phone, I was getting into like a lot of online arguments because I was angry. When I drink I get angry, but I had nothing to put that anger into coz I wasn’t like out, having fun, dancing, drinking, I was stuck indoors in a dark room drinking, so it made my anger worse, so I was like having a lot of like arguments online and stuff like that, and I was just like sending screenshots of them to my friends… look at what this dickhead’s said … and them just being like or, you could block them, or you could turn your phone off and go to sleep, and maybe take your meds.
LandWorks has given me a sense of routine and a sense of purpose. It’s definitely brought my creative side out more. Helped with a lot of stuff in life. I’m quite independent for someone as mentally ill as me because I’m quite mentally ill and I’m on pretty strong medication and I’m still pretty independent, so it’s nice to have the help if I need it. May (LW Health and Wellbeing lead) helps me a lot, and my probation officer helps me a lot, Sally, and Chris helps me a lot. If I need help with anything I will … I’m not afraid to ask for it.
For example, May helped me a lot with my medications. When I was taking them before, my psychiatrist kept forgetting to prescribe them. I used to only be allowed to pick them up every seven days. I get them like monthly now, but I was too high risk before, so I was only allowed them weekly and they just kept forgetting to put the prescription through which meant I kept going like a couple of days without taking them, which meant I kept getting withdrawal symptoms coz I was on a really high dosage at the time, and it was really messing me up, so May and Sally, my probation officer, were really helpful with that, sending lots of emails and calls and stuff like that, and it took my mum actually going into the building and demanding to see my psychiatrist to see if anything had changed, but they did still try.
Julia is helping me learn to sew. I used my sewing machine, which I’ve always wanted. I’ve got a sewing machine at home that I’m terrified to touch or even look at coz I’ve no idea what to do with it, but I’m really into fashion with clothes and I really wanna learn how to like alter clothes and Julia’s said she’s gonna teach me, which I’m really grateful for. I’ve got a couple of clothes that I want to alter, that I’ve got some like visions for, that I bought from charity shops for really cheap.
I like the food that’s made at Landworks. I always look forward to the food. It’s just a really nice time to be social isn’t it. I like afterwards as well when everyone just kind of do their own thing a little bit. Some people go out for a cigarette, some people play table-tennis, some people have a cup of tea and a chat. It’s nice.
The best bits are the food and the … I wanna say creative freedom that I get, like being in with Julia, and she gives me the option of making something for the shop or I can do it as my own personal thing and I’m starting to … it’s nice that everyone … a lot of people say to me that I’m a creative person and recognise the effort I put into my work, and it makes me wanna do stuff outside of LandWorks and be creative outside of LandWorks.”
A window into LandWorks 