“I was so nervous, I just didn’t know what to expect. I just didn’t know anything. I did go online and watch the film. I cried my fucking eyes out, I was just crying all the way through it, you know, I just thought it was the whole thing, it was fantastic, you know, the bit about how going through criminality it takes everything from you, and that’s what really set me off, and then it went onto other people and then Graham. As soon as I walked in I seen Graham and I said oh, you were on the video. Then obviously looking at all the pictures and the videos and everything. So I was even more nervous coz I wanted it even more. So I came, I didn’t get lost, but I was absolutely petrified. I came, found it fine, got parked fine, everything was fine, walked in and it was a little bit intimidating coz it was 11 o’clock so everyone was all sat on that bench together, and I walked in on it, and it was like oh my god, and obviously everyone’s like … I said hi, but everyone obviously made me feel instantly welcome and relaxed, you know, it was fine, and then I had a little walk around and I went into the pottery studio. Everyone was just so friendly and so nice, sat talking about jewellery and stuff like that coz I used to be a jeweller. Yeah, just straightaway I was just looking at everything thinking oh my god, it’s wonderful here. Then he said yeah, would you like to come Tuesday to start? And that was on the Thursday, and I was like yeah, I love it, and then I came Tuesday, and yeah, it was amazing. I wasn’t nervous on the first day. I thought I was gonna be, but I really wasn’t. Then I was with, I think, May, in the planting feature on my first bit. Then it’s just been a pleasure every single time since.
Now, I think this bit is the healing bit now, I think, because it’s all coming out and I’ve just dropped the attitude, I’ve dropped the ego, I’ve dropped the front … I don’t want to sound like I’m lying, it’s not lies, but the front, this thing, has dissolved. I haven’t dropped it, it’s just gone. I haven’t controlled it going like that, it’s going, it’s gone and it’s coming out and I’m not having any kind of say over it, it’s all happening. I could’ve run away but I didn’t, I stayed, and I allowed it, and I just went and sat on the bench with the guys and cried and I thought no … because they’ve all told me they’ve cried and you know, the big guy that I really like, I think he’s called Jarvis, we had a nice conversation.
I need to be … I’m a touch … it’s not appropriate, you can’t go touching people, it’s not appropriate … I can’t help it. I know if I was in a position of authority I know it’s completely … but because I’m this side, I just said can I hug you please? I just wanna … thank you for saying that because … you know, look at him, he’s a right hard bastard. Do you know what I mean? He was telling me this … it’s just like … and I was just like … he was just like you’re amazing and I’d never met this man before and I was just like hanging off his every word because I could tell by his aura he’s been through hell and he’s a broken man, he’s re-invented himself and it’s not too late, because that’s what I think, I think it’s too late, I’ve fucked my life, it’s too late, I’ve fucked it, I’m too old, I’ve ruined it, it’s all happened too late, it’s anger, frustration, I’m running out of time, panic, and then I get overwhelmed and it’s all going round and round and round, and then he comes along and he’s obviously older than me, he’s been through worse than me, do you know what I mean? He’s this power of calm and wisdom and like just … I respond to people like that because I think right, you’re a hard bastard, you’ve been through it, you know what you’re talking about, I can listen to you because you … do you know what I mean? He was just telling me a story. I was just fascinated. I just thought oh my god, I can be like you, I can do it as well. About the crime bit, I said, you know, I said the only thing I’m finding a bit difficult is, you know, things are coming out and I don’t like it. He’s just like I know, I never cried in my entire life and then I started coming here and then he was just telling me how he cried, which I think was about three years. Then even Graham said as well … this is what I mean by the people, with everybody else being so open and honest and sharing their … you look at them and you think they’re really vulnerable and broken inside as well and they’ve been carrying this big act around the whole time as well, you know, and it fucked up for them as well, and now they’ve turned it around as well. So that’s the thing of where all this guard is coming down, it’s from other people and seeing and being around them and how kind everybody is.
Well, everyone, all of it, it’s not just this, you know, this actual … the aesthetics and the set, it’s not just … it’s the people, it’s everything, it’s all of it, it’s all encompassing, you know. Is it you guys or is it this place? I think what they’re trying to figure out is if they have people like you but in a different … is it the setting they need or is it you they need or is it a mixture of both?
Obviously just doing anything to do with the gardens and just being part of that, all the gardens, the flowers, the fruit and the vegetables and learning about the growing. It’s really hard for me to remember things anyway, so I’m really struggling with learning anyway, so now I’m doing all this it’s like my brain is like gonna explode. But yeah, I am a practical learner so I’m learning by doing that and I love it, I love it. I love it all. I loved having a go on the nail-gun. I loved that. I was like oh my god, I really need one of these. I even liked that. Yeah, I like all of it. I like the pottery. I like all of it. There’s nothing I don’t like. Yoga is a bit triggering for me because it’s undoing … I’m letting bits out that … I’m opening bits up and letting bits out that … my body’s more advanced than my emotions. Like I said, I don’t need to push myself that far because my body’s more capable than my emotions are capable of going. So yeah, all of it really, but working with the flowers and planting and the soil and the vegetables and all that, and then just going around eating all the things.
I’ve got to just understand foods. All I can control is what I put in my body really, that’s all I can control. So that’s why I want to do the gardening, growing my own fruit and vegetables, I want to know about the herbs and plants. I know what I wanna do and I’m here, halfway to get me there, and I need to do other stuff to go alongside it. I’m a lot better off now really, even though I feel a lot worse off…
So yeah, I’m loving it … I know it doesn’t look like it and I’m just really grateful. I’m just very, very, very, very, very grateful.”
A window into LandWorks 