“My first couple of days here I relapsed and I was back using drugs again after being clean like all year, I’d relapsed. I was trying to hide it and me and ‘big man’ got in an argument in the van, yeah, to the point he got really angry and was like slapping the steering-wheel. I’d never seen him like it. I’m failing drug tests and everything, I’m here like, no I’m not. I was making up every excuse, I was like no, I was sat in the room, someone used ‘em I must’ve inhaled it … like all these excuses under the sun. So no, I wasn’t actually like experiencing LandWorks properly. I just wanted to get the day done, go home so I could use again.
So yeah, since then I would say I’ve come quite far. I found my passion with LandWorks, it’s where I like being the most. Obviously that’s out with Steve. I don’t care if it’s raining, thunder and lightning, sunny, cold, I like being out with Steve. I like getting on with the work, the maintenance. The upkeeping of LandWorks is … it’s never the same, you know, you’re always doing something different each day and maybe set one job for the whole day but it’s always doing something, which is nice, it’s proactive. This is nothing against what you and the others do, but I couldn’t be sat behind a desk, I’m more hands-on and I love the workshop. Don’t get me wrong, I love Graham in the workshop, but I just … just standing around, just sanding, it’s just not me. This is proper hands-on work. I really enjoy that, you know.
Now, I go home filthier than any other person, including Steve himself. Backalong, I used to have shoes that didn’t even hit the concrete, but now … I’ve still got stuff like that, but that’s just … I understand that a job and your hobbies have got to be separate, you know. Here at work I’m hands-on. I don’t care if I get muddy, dirty, I’ve got work-clothes for that, where at home my clothes are pristine. I’m clean, I’m pristine, I don’t walk on the grass. It’s like two different people. It’s crazy. Like at LandWorks I’m completely different to the way I am at home, but that’s how you need to be. When you’re at home, you’re at home. Do you know what I mean? When you’re at work, you’re at work. Yeah, I won’t even get dust on me. I won’t even sit on a public bench when I’m out and about just in case I get marks on my clothes. But yeah, here, the other day, Steve come down and I was sat in the soil. Yeah, it’s just one of them really.
I like being at LandWorks coz I feel like it’s my safe space. The rest of my life doesn’t matter because I’m here. Do you know? It’s not like this and my life are in together, it’s not, it’s not like you and stuff like this. Like you lot live and breathe LandWorks, even when you’re not here you’re doing things for LandWorks, I’m not. When I’m at LandWorks, that’s my free zone, that’s my safe zone. I can do what I need to do, and I haven’t got the rest of the stress of my life all on my shoulders here. It just de-stresses and then when I go … I remember saying, last time I spoke to you actually, I remember saying I didn’t like leaving and going home. I still feel like that now coz I don’t like leaving because I feel such calm. Even though I’m doing everything, I do feel calm, safe, relaxed, stress-free, when I’m here, and then when I go back I’ve got to deal with all of my recovery, kids, everything else, it’s just more stress on my shoulders. So I feel like I get to take the weight off my shoulders when I get through that gate and when I leave to go through that gate I put that weight back on. Yeah. I dunno, it’s just a safe place.
There’s just something about it, the aura here, there’s just something about it. The spirit that goes around with LandWorks is very different… when I first come I’d only ever be in the smoking area. I wouldn’t sit in with everyone, where now I’ll happily just go out for a quick cigarette and then I just come back and I just sit on the sofa, I talk with people. I didn’t do that before. Yeah, it’s not just being outside. I think it’s just the atmosphere of LandWorks, the people and the atmosphere. Like my whole life’s based on recovery, people coming out of criminality, this, that, the other, LandWorks is just separate from everything, and I think having this as an area to go to, which I can just unwind, relax, feel safe, and just get on with what I need to do is just a blessing, you know.
When I first come here it was just something that probation thought was good, it was just an idea. Do you know what I mean? I’ve had to connect with LandWorks to feel the way I am now. I didn’t care what I was doing. I’d always take short-cuts with what I was doing. I didn’t wanna have to take the long way. If I could do a job within seconds, I’d do it within seconds. Now I take my time with it. I like to just embrace and enjoy what I’m learning and what I’m doing. My opinion on it, when I first came to LandWorks I didn’t care much for it. Like I was saying, it was just another thing to keep me off Probation’s radar, but now I don’t wanna leave LandWorks. I actually really enjoy coming up here. I really enjoy being around here.
Now, my recovery, I think, 50% Narcotics Anonymous (NA), 50% LandWorks. A lot of people would say their recovery is 100% NA, mine’s not, mine’s 50/50, LandWorks and NA. So when I leave LandWorks I need to find something to fulfil the hole that’s gonna be left there…
I’m pleased with my recovery, I really am coz like I was clean before, but I relapsed, just literally as I started LandWorks, I relapsed. I knew I’d messed up, and I realised I can’t do it by myself. It’s all good and well doing recovery on your own, some people can, but I couldn’t do it by myself. The second stuff got tough I jumped straight into using again […] so I needed to get off of it all again and that’s when big man said to me that I either get myself clean again or I don’t come back to LandWorks. I had a week to think about. I had to come back on the next Monday.”
A window into LandWorks 