Simon says: “I’ve been clean twenty years, I’ve had some wobbles”

“…I’ve pottered about, done a bit of art… done some gardening, fiddled about with wood… [that table] I only varnished it, I just slopped some varnish over the top… it looks quite nice actually, but I wouldn’t like to take credit for it… Anything they want doing I’ll just pootle along and do it, I have the skills, kind of…

I’m going to have to get back to work soon… in what though that’s the thing, I’m not feeling the pull towards care that much… I wouldn’t mind drug counselling… either outreach work or something like that, I don’t know… I can talk to anyone that’s the thing I have got… the thing is you’ve got to be honest with people if you think they’re lying and talking out their arse… you’re better off just telling them, rather than pretending to suck it up… there’s no excuse is there, you’ve got to take responsibility unfortunately, and being totally irresponsible… It’s a painful thing, there’s all that guilt and shame and then all the f*****g stunts they pull… you know while they’re addicts… the ingenuity of some of them is amazing, when it comes to actually taking the blame there’s always a reason that caused it, it’s not my fault, well you know you did it, it is your fault… I don’t see you can go forward, you can’t start to heal can you, until you’ve… if it means laying prostate on the floor for a bit, build yourself up, and yeah shit, you fall off the wagon, dust yourself off and get back on top… you’re going to f*** up aren’t you, you’ve just got to accept it, nothing’s going to be a breeze, but it’ll be better than where you’re going… because you know your life’s like that just getting lower and lower, faster and faster…

I’ve been invited to a funeral… but unfortunately half the people who will attend are from year’s ago… I just think I’ll be putting myself in a position where it might be quite hard to say no… I’ll convince myself once wouldn’t hurt, so I’m going to have to, no one else is going to do it, I’m going to have to do it… I just know the minute I get complacent, it doesn’t matter if it’s twenty years, thirty years, so I’ll have to put that on standby… if [other trainee] falls off he’ll have to dust himself off again, I’m still doing it and I’ve been clean 20 years, but I’m not joking if I was at a party and someone offered me… I’d probably take it, but I know what I can’t, it’s just the guilt trip I’d put on myself would be the… I’ve had some wobbles in those twenty years and I could still have a wobble now, like I say I’m just aware, and as soon as I got the phone call about the funeral, it was all the other people, oh I haven’t heard from you for a while, it’ll be great to catch up… and then I thought oh yeah, a catch up yeah, I just know it’ll make me vulnerable, or if you go on and have a drink with people that’s usually enough to lower you guard a bit…

…you’ve got to be honest with yourself, none of us get better, we just change in the way we deal with things… [being here] it’s definitely been a plus, a little bit of artwork, it’s just the social side, I just look at it for the social side, it’s just you know, doing stuff… I don’t see it as work, I find it quite pleasurable…”

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