“So yeah, LandWorks was the kick-start that I needed. I’ll always be grateful to LandWorks because LandWorks brought me into recovery. I’ve stated even in the meetings I wouldn’t be where I am now if I didn’t come up here with Darryl and see Chris because I’d probably be back in jail right this second. I was losing faith, I was losing hope, obviously I was on the verge of about to divorce my wife, all these things was going on, and I was just losing the will, and I didn’t see a way out other than drugs again. So yeah, LandWorks is what gave me an opportunity to make the new life I have today. [You were ready] I wanted it, yes, I just … I had no faith again. I had no hope, I had no faith. I wanted it. It was a dream I always wanted. For years being clean was a dream I wanted. Before I went to prison on this sentence it was a dream I wanted. It’s always a dream I’ve been wanting … to get off the crack and heroin and pills and alcohol and all these other drugs that I was taking, but I just didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know how to do it and then I got clean for a little bit when I come out of jail and things was going really well and then things just started falling in again and I just lost all hope. I lost all faith, I lost all the joy, I lost my motivation, I lost my self-will, and I went from living sanity to living back into insanity again and I justified things in my head in the ways that I shouldn’t have. So yeah, I wanted to stop using but at the same time part of me didn’t. It wasn’t until Chris opened my eyes up about what I was about to re-lose after I’d just got it that made me realise shit, I have relapsed and this could go horribly wrong.
That’s probably been my most enjoyable thing about LandWorks to be honest. I love all the things that I’ve done at LandWorks. Don’t get wrong, I love all the things we’ve done … meet Princess Anne, all these events we’ve done, the work we’ve done, the people we’ve met. I’ve met all these trustees, I’ve met all these fucking supporters and stuff like this. Yeah, I’ve done all these nice things with Steve and Graham, and experienced a community again with lunch and stuff, but my most favourite part of LandWorks, which is gonna sound weird, was the day Chris decided to shout at me and told me to sort my shit out because that’s what gave me a new load of hope again. He said he was willing to stand by my side, but I had to trust him. I’ve got really bad abandonment issues and I’ve always been left, and the fact Chris said that he wanted to stay by my side and for me to trust him to do that, I struggled to trust. I do have abandonment issues, I have authority issues and stuff like this but there was just something about the way Chris said about it that made me just wanted to try one more time to trust someone to see if they will support me through it, and he did. He supported me in and out of LandWorks getting through it. I put the trust in him, he stood by my side, and we are where we are today.
I am gonna miss LandWorks. I was just speaking to … my partner just messaged me and was saying do you think you’re gonna miss it up there? I even just said to her yeah, it’s one of the best things I’ve done. It’s one of the most enjoyable things I’ve done so I am gonna miss it. So yeah, today I’m clean, today I’ve got a future that I’m looking forward to. I have a family, new friends. I have new skills and a new community that I’m able to be involved in. So today I have a life, shall we say. There’s like a million and one things I can list that I’ve gained, but to roll it up all into one thing, one simple thing … I have a life. Do you know what I mean? That’s what I’ve got today. I didn’t have a life before. I had chaos, mayhem, misery and just a black hole, living in darkness constantly and living in fear. That’s what I had before. I didn’t know how to live a life without drugs, prison or crime. Do you know what I mean? So today I know I can live a life. Today I can be a dad, I can be a brother, I can be an uncle, I can be a man, a partner, I can be all these things. Dedication, I have that again, motivation, joy, faith, hope, all these things. Do you know what I mean? Willingness. I’ve got courage. I have this all today and that’s because of how hard I’ve worked these last few months. So yeah, I am really happy. It is upsetting that I’m gonna be leaving because I don’t wanna leave LandWorks, which I actually don’t, but at the same time I’m glad I’m leaving because now I’ve got a life that I can work towards.
I know I’ve changed. I’m proud of the man I am today. I can recognise the change that I have made. So yeah, I know 100% I’ve changed. I’ve changed in the best way for once in my life … not a bad way. I’m actually more caring, thoughtful, grateful, hard working and life motivated. I’ve changed in a good way…”
A window into LandWorks 